8 Things the ”Cloverfield” Monster Won’t Be

With the upcoming release of the mysterious horror-action movie “Cloverfield”, the internet has been abuzz with rumors of the identity of the city-killing monster that has yet to be seen in trailers. We don’t want to know what the monster is until it pops up on the silver screen, but we thought we’d do the world a favor and present our spoiler-free list of 8 things we know the monster won’t be.

8- Cool-looking in ten years

Remember how awesome you thought movies like “The Lawnmower Man” and “Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within” looked way back when?” Now go back and check them out today. Ugly as sin, right? While CGI creatures may look awesome now, they have a really short shelf life before the technology’s age begins to show. By 2018, we’ll be laughing at the obvious fakery of “Cloverfield’s” monster. That is, unless a real-life city-destroying monster doesn’t hit before then.

7- Kept secret by the internet for more than 10 minutes after the movie opens

God help us if someone manages to sneak a laptop to the premiere of this flick. At any rate, we’re fairly certain that a large contingent of the folks attending the countless midnight showings on Thursday will be on their computer in their parents basements within minutes, undoubtedly ruining the secret for everyone who has a life.

6- A member of the New York Historical Preservation Society

OH SHIT! That thing just decapitated the Statue of Liberty! You know throughout the course of the movie we’ll see the monster destroy a bunch of other famous New York landmarks. The Empire State Building, Times Square, Famous Original Ray’s. But not the World Trade Center memorial. Still too soon.

5- As good as our imagination wants it to be

Remember the US version of “Godzilla?” The flick was hyped by showing small glimpses of the famed monster, and what happened ? We all realized that it looked like a stupider version of the Japanese guy in the rubber suit. At least “Godzilla” trailers gave us glimpses of a character we were somewhat familiar with. Everyone will go into “Cloverfield” with an extravagant idea of what the monster is, and they’ll all leave saying, “Well that certainly wasn’t as cool as my idea of an 800-foot tall Danny Bonaduce”

4- On screen for more than ten minutes

You know even though they have our $11 once we step into the theatre that the folks behind “Cloverfield” are gonna keep the torture going for a little bit longer. We’re guessing that we won’t even see one pixel of its CGI incarnation until at least the halfway point of the movie. After all, we have to watch 45 minutes of exposition about the stupid human characters first.

3- Interesting to your girlfriend

You know she wanted to see “Atonement” or “P.S. I Love You, ” yet you dragged her to “that stupid monster movie.” So she’ll sulk in her seat for an hour and a half and barely eat any of the popcorn you bought, and then groan when they finally show the monster. And don’t bother recommending the movie to your friends in her presence, as she’ll spoil the surprise without batting an eyelash.

2- A Polar Bear, Smoke Monster, or any other creature from Lost

J.J. Abrams may be a hit-maker right now, but we’re guessing he’s going to keep “Cloverfield”s chocolate and Lost’s peanut butter separate. For one thing, there’s the slight chance that the flick might flop, so he’d probably want to keep it from dragging his still-popular show down. Also, he’s probably saving the revelation about what Lost’s monsters really are until the last five minutes of the series finale. On that note, we also hope we don’t learn of the monster’s youth via flashbacks either.

1- Definitively killed at the end of the movie

Odds are, “Cloverfield” will be a hit. Do you really think whatever threat is central to the movie will be eliminated within 84 minutes? Every big-budget action/horror movie made in the last twenty years has left the door open for a sequel, and we’re betting “Cloverfield” won’t buck the trend. You want the conclusion? Wait until Cloverfield 5, when the side mysteries introduced in Cloverfield 2-4 are finally addressed.

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