Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, I still say “shame on you!” And I don’t want to get into the third and fourth, and, well, you get the point. American Idol is running stronger than Barack Obama’s campaign, while on the verge of beginning to showcase season seven. Admittedly, I was slow to the catch on, because of me being a fan of foolishness, but Idol must be stopped! Here are the five reasons viewers should look elsewhere for entertainment on the seven nights, or so it seems, of American Karaoke.
5. AUDITIONS – The audition process is outrageous. After waiting for nearly two days on concrete, the contestants are given an opportunity to showcase their talents alongside 20,000 hopefuls in the city they attend. Unless someone waits in line for the contestant (stepping away will cost you your place in line), this is a long time to be without an opportunity to shower. Not to mention, those that don’t bring food go the entire time without eating. Ryan Seacrest is typically late to these events, showing up as late as ten when the competitions start at eight in the morning. I guess the logic is, “What are two more hours?” Any attempt to beautify oneself must be accomplished in the bathroom while grappling with peers for a corner of a mirror to get television ready. The question you may be asking yourself is, “What does all this have to do with the viewer?” The answer is simple. American Idol is hosting sweatshop tryouts! Instead of allowing a manageable amount of contestants, they allow anyone to attend. Yep! That includes you and me. And I don’t even sound good in the shower. Then, they pass along the obscenely talentless participants to make us laugh. Are we that stupid that we can be pawed at by filthy rich producers force feeding repetitiveness? Should we not expect more? Watching the show is the equivalent to buying clothes at Old Navy. Let your conscience be your guide.
4. RANDY JACKSON – If I hear one more, “Right, Dog Pound?” to the male contestants, I am going to buy a 19 inch television, so I can have something to put my foot through. Seriously, Randy, know your audience. In addition, weren’t you Steve Perry’s guitarist dressed in those hideous 1980’s getups? You weren’t cool then, and you’re not now. And by the way, I think “Dog Pound” was a mid-90s reference. Randy is laughable. Also, stop calling the female contestants, “Dude.” Again, know your audience, and try to gain a better understanding of slang; please see www.urbandictionary.com . Finally, I wish Randy would stop his nervous twitch of grabbing his empty Coca-Cola glass after his comments to each contestant. Nobody is that thirsty.
3. SONG SELECTION – I used to like Donna Summer, Janis Joplin, and, hell, now I hate them and every other artist’s music that has been butchered like a visitor at the Hewitt’s (Leatherface) residence. As I cleaned my room the other day, “I will survive” came on, and I proceeded to throw the radio in the running bubble bath. So what if I take baths? They are very relaxing. Anyway, I know this article won’t stop American Idol, but maybe I can recommend that we place previously used songs in moratorium for the goodness of the show and my sanity. There are too many songs to succumb to redundancy.
2. VOTING PROCESS – The sister show, “So You Think You Can Dance” has it figured out. Amazing how Nigel Lythgoe is an Executive Producer of both shows, but he can’t use the same logic mutually. On the dance show, the judges put the worst contestants in the elimination bracket, and allow the audience an opportunity to remove contestants that the professionals have deemed acceptable for disposal. This prevents the likes of Sanjaia honing in on a particular audience that supports him, regardless of his “ghastly” performance. Yes, I used a Simon Cowell reference. How could I resist? Although Simon, Randy and Paula rarely agree, they are paid professionals, and should help America weed out the less talented artists before they are carried toward the finish line by a fan base more interested in the contestants’ lifestyle than their singing capabilities. Hey Simon, stop saying America always gets it right in the end: Ruben Studdard, Jordin Sparks, and that gray haired guy.
1. PAULA ABDUL – Whatever happened to not crying at work? Honestly, she cries more than Peter Parker in Spiderman III. This is a singing contest, and when someone mildly massacres a classic Whitney Houston song, I implore her to stop complementing their clothes, and how great looking they are; particularly the male contestants. Did she not learn her lesson with Corey Clark? Paula is supposed to be there for constructive criticism, yet, she always finds the silver lining in every performance. Advice for Paula: Simon is so offensively callous; nothing you say will come across as cruel. And why is Paula a critic? She was a sexy dancer, with an average voice almost twenty years ago, and now she is employed as a talent scout for singing. In dire need for a female that can “keep it real,” I recommend Keyshia Cole as her replacement for obvious reasons.
I am not trying to force my opinions on anyone. I am only trying to ignite a response that will end all the monotony. We deserve better foolishness to watch. Refusing to alter the show to give us more profound worthlessness is irritating, and someone should be held accountable. It’s not that we hate the reprehensible singing; it’s that the show has run its course, and we need something new. Modify the show, while giving us the best singers to represent America. We should not settle for hacks making it to the final six, because the judges, who influence the voting, shy away from brutal honesty. Without change, we can only expect the same outcome: idiocy.
By Trent Hensley